You wake up one morning and realize you haven’t taken a full, deep breath in weeks. Not the shallow, efficient breaths that get you through your to-do list, but the kind that actually reach your stomach and remind your nervous system that you’re safe. It’s such a simple awareness, but it hits like a small revelation: you’ve been in survival mode without even noticing.
You know how this goes. One day you’re prioritizing yourself: taking walks, eating well, setting boundaries, feeling proud of how you’re showing up for your own life. Then life gets complicated, someone needs you, deadlines pile up, and suddenly you’re running on fumes again.
The worst part? You don’t even notice the transition. It happens so gradually that you wake up one morning feeling depleted and wondering how you got there.
The Slow Fade of Self-Care
Self-neglect rarely announces itself with fanfare. It doesn’t show up one day and declare, “Today we’re abandoning all healthy habits!” Instead, it whispers: “Skip the walk just today (you have too much to do).” “Order takeout this once (you’re too tired to cook).” “Stay up late scrolling (you deserve to decompress).”
Each individual choice feels reasonable in the moment. It’s only when you step back that you see the pattern: you’ve slowly but systematically stopped doing the things that keep you feeling human.
Maybe you recognize this version of yourself: knowing exactly what you need to do to feel better but feeling paralyzed about where to start. So tired of being tired, but caught in patterns that seem impossible to break. If you could reach through time and give that version of yourself a hug, you would. She’s trying so hard, even when it doesn’t feel like enough.
Why We Abandon Ourselves (Even When We Know Better)
The cruel irony is that we often abandon self-care when we need it most. When life gets overwhelming, we sacrifice the very things that would help us handle the overwhelm.
Here’s why this happens:
We treat self-care as optional. When push comes to shove, we categorize our needs as “nice to have” rather than essential. We’d never tell a friend to skip meals and sleep to get more done, but we do it to ourselves without question.
We feel guilty for having needs. Especially as women, we’re conditioned to believe that focusing on ourselves is selfish. So when others need us, we automatically put ourselves last…even when we’re running on empty.
We mistake busy for productive. We confuse the adrenaline rush of constant motion with actual accomplishment. But running on fumes isn’t sustainable productivity; it’s eventual burnout wearing a productivity mask.
The Warning Signs You’re Abandoning Yourself
Learning to catch this cycle earlier has been a game-changer for me. Here are the signs I’ve learned to watch for:
Physical: Shallow breathing, tension headaches, reaching for caffeine or alcohol to manage energy, eating while distracted, skipping meals or overriding hunger cues
Emotional: Feeling resentful about helping others, getting irritated by small things, feeling overwhelmed by normal tasks, crying over minor inconveniences
Mental: Racing thoughts at bedtime, difficulty concentrating, constantly thinking about what you “should” be doing, mental fog or decision fatigue
Behavioral: Scrolling social media instead of sleeping, avoiding people who care about you, saying yes to things you don’t want to do, neglecting basic hygiene or personal tasks
Creating Systems Instead of Relying on Willpower
The problem with waiting until you’re depleted to prioritize self-care is that depletion makes everything harder—including caring for yourself. It’s like waiting until your car breaks down to get regular oil changes.
Here’s what works better: systems that support you when willpower fails.
Start with one thing. Choose one simple daily practice that you can commit to no matter what season you’re in. The key is making it something that’s actually doable for your life right now. Maybe it’s a five-minute walk outside, two minutes of deep breathing when you wake up, reading for ten minutes before bed, or drinking your morning coffee without looking at your phone.
The goal isn’t to transform your entire routine overnight—it’s to show up for yourself in one small way every day. When that becomes natural, you can add another small thing. But start with just one.
The Energy Audit: Once a week, ask yourself: What gave me energy this week? What drained me? What would I need more of to feel like myself? Use this information to make small adjustments going forward.
The Minimum Viable Care: When you’re in a particularly challenging period, what’s the smallest way you can care for yourself? Maybe it’s drinking water from a pretty glass instead of a plastic bottle. Maybe it’s stepping outside for two minutes. Maybe it’s texting a friend who makes you laugh.
The Ripple Effect of Showing Up for Yourself
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of cycling through this pattern: when you consistently show up for yourself, it changes everything else too.
You make better decisions because you’re not operating from depletion. You set clearer boundaries because you know what you need to function well. You show up more fully in your relationships because you’re not resentful about your own unmet needs.
Most importantly, you model for the people around you—especially any children in your life—that adults have needs too, and meeting those needs isn’t selfish; it’s responsible.
Coming Back to Yourself
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in the patterns I’ve described, first: you’re not broken. This is human. We all cycle through periods of better and worse self-care.
The goal isn’t perfection; it’s awareness. It’s catching yourself earlier each time. It’s building systems that support your wellbeing even when life gets complicated.
Start small. Pick one tiny way to honor your needs today. Not because you have to earn care, but because you’re worth caring for—exactly as you are, even in the messy middle of figuring it all out.
You matter in this season too. Don’t forget that, even when everything else feels urgent.
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